Mr. Mcckey.

his voice. I remember it most- out of all the things- his smile.. His beard.. His clothes. I am going to miss him so fucking much. 

I do right now. I had a dream I visited him. For the one semester that I knew him, he was the greatest thing. 

I have tried to write over and over about him this whole week. But everytime I try my words don’t make sense. Every draft has been trash. It makes me drained to think about him. I miss him that badly. 

I know it’s weird to have a good feeling for a teacher, maybe even like your teacher in any way. But to me he didn’t feel like a teacher. I always looked at him and wondered if he actually wanted to be a teacher forever. 

To stand in front of 30 kids for 6 periods a day teaching the same shit. I felt bad for him. Maybe even afraid for him. I wanted him to be something more, because he is so so much more. 

He’s 23. He’s an English teacher. I remember almost everything about him. Like once he told us this story about how his girlfriend in freshman year cut herself and he talked her into stopping. He seemed to be liked. 

He likes film. He likes the same band I like. He likes movies I like. He likes writing. He even liked my writing. That’s what I loved a lot. 

He admired it. We had to write some story- on the odyssey- an alternate ending- he told me he loved it a lot and I didn’t even have to edit it. Every time he would tell me how great it was- my heart sunk. I felt liked by someone important. 

Poems we had to write- he liked those too. He liked listening to what I had to say. Unbelievable. 

Over time when Id come in late, he would never even mark me tardy. He never asked me why I was late. He never asked me many things that a normal teacher would. I think that’s also why I miss him. 

And sometimes, I’d stay after for absolutely no other reason other then that I wanted to hang out with him. I wanted to know him. Really really know him. And now I feel like it’s all gone away. 

Maybe I sound crazy- I don’t know.

But his voice- the way he always sounded happy but you didn’t know if he was hiding something. How I could look up at him while he was teaching us something important and for some reason he would actually look scared. And that’s when I realized something. He’s a teacher. But He was human. He has a whole other life beyond these white walls. And that – that was so great. 

it is raining

And it is beautiful. I have a lot to write, but I don’t want to bore you guys. I feel as though my life is so boring and I don’t know who’d wanna keep up with it. But thanks for wanting to.

I’m going to start by saying it wasn’t always like this. In elementary I was the loser nobody who was so much of a teachers pet I barley remember having any friends. In 7th grade I was the stuck up bitch who thought I was the best. I’m happy I was. Don’t get me wrong, it’s horrible to be a stuck up bitch, and it’s annoying. But being that bitch taught me a lot. It changed my thoughts on things and helped me realize my self worth. But, what truly helped me, was the summer after 7th grade. This is a time when I not only saw what people where saying about me and wanted people to actually think I was a nice person, it was a time when I found Naomi and figured out being perfect was the last thing on my agenda. Major people began coming in & then exiting my life. So, It was also when I realized you can never get too attached to anyone. But fuck, I did just that.

I guess I am trying to say Paul is an exception, but that isn’t how it works. It just a fact. There are NO exceptions to this rule. But I can’ t go back now.

Sometimes I am mad at myself, for letting him into my life. But I had no clue he would be the guy I’d be in love with or the guy I’d hate so god damn much. No clue. It really is sad that he’s consumed me so much yet I barley even know him. Really. I don’t. I don’t know his mom’s name or his favorite movie or even if he has a job. So yes, it is very very very crazy that I am in love with this man. Although, I do know what he thinks of at 2 am, and what he pictures of doing with his life. And I do know I want his thoughts to be a part of mine.

Naomi & the present

Naomi is the only one I could ever tell any of these secrets. Naomi is this blog. As much as I love Bailey and Ben, I could never tell them this stuff. Just ever.

They would tell be its gonna be okay, don’t stress, and all of this stuff that id never actually believe in. Naomi doesn’t say anything like this, she actually listens. I believe in order to listen you have to forget the normal stuff, just don’t say it. Say that you understand and that even though you should feel better, I know you can’t. 

It’s weird to not tell someone sorry. But to me it’s better. She just knows me and maybe even better than I know myself.  When I told her about Paul she told me what she would do in the situation. I thought it would be a big deal because he’s almost 18 and I’ve never even met him. But, she didn’t tell me to let go because she understands what it is to love someone and not be able to forget them or even miss them because it’s just what you do all the time. So it’s not missing them, it’s feeling like you are a part of them. It’s something I don’t even understand.

I’ve known her since middle school, and now only some things have changed but we are mostly the same. We changed together, and when we were sad we knew how to cope with it. Now I just don’t.

During these times though, a lot of stuff has happened with her that I may reveal later. This blog is going to be of my past more than my present and I’ll be putting dates on each entry I’ve written before. But once it’s all caught up I’ll be able to talk more about what’s happening now.

Speaking of now, it is summer. I’m going to be a sophomore in highschool and I don’t think anything has changed since last year. I am still alive, breathing, alone, thinking. I miss when I didn’t have a reason to think, like when I was younger. But I also miss when I never thought my life would turn out this way. It’s so weird how changing your perspective makes everything seem so damn different. And I don’t think my mind could be changed anymore.