Storm

This morning clouds have set a scene as if they were painting something just for me and I know you’d ask the world to shift or the stars to be brighter only if you knew it meant you could have me and I think I want you too its just sometimes you aren’t letting me feel and I don’t want it to seem like I’m settling for you because I know what I wish to have but I don’t know if it’s the same as what I need. 

You are what I wish to have but sometimes I want someone who is older than you and I don’t know if that’s a horrible thing to say but i always have wanted a man and you see- you are just a boy. 

And I understand I am just a girl but I am in so much fear of settling it makes my stomach hurt and my head ache and I know I’m your diamond but I’m too scared to be with you and I’m too scared to be without you 

You’re so delicate and I can’t imagine breaking your heart. Maybe I’m too young and you’re too serious about this but the clouds are coming in and I can’t see the art you made me any longer and I am so sorry 

Wine

Tonight I downed three glasses of wine. The second glass went down my throat and left a burning sensation. 

It was kind of how I feel when I cry over you. 

I long for your touch so much it makes my eyes burn from the crying and my throat aches from the sobs and when you tell me one day we’ll be together I remind myself i can only believe in so much. 

I was never good at believing things when I was 5 stopped believing the tooth fairy and when I was 8 my mother never denied me when I said Santa wasn’t real and now I’m 15 and it’s kind of how I feel with you and I feel bad but If this is going to end with me being alone and you feeling bad for me I can only imagine it also ending with my head pounding and my heart erasing. 

I want to believe you. I just keep thinking maybe I’m not in love with you or anyone and maybe I never will be 

The third glass of wine felt just like you. Cold and it made me drowsy but it was so fucking good and I’ll always want more. 

Forever

Today someone asked me why I hate where I live so much. 

To be honest, I don’t even know the answer. It just started and hasn’t stopped and if I tried to explain no one would understand why I feel stuck at an age where I can’t even vote or haven’t even gone through my senior year of highschool and no one will know the feeling that consumes me every day and night because when I lay in bed all I think is how much I hate my mind. I feel as if no matter where I am at ill get a trapped feeling and I’ll just keep missing the place I was in before and this feeling isn’t my favorite it comes over me like the clouds on the coldest day. And today the clouds are covering so much of the sky that I can’t see the sun and I can’t see clearly and all I can think of is where I should run to. 

I want to be driving in a car on the road with trees surrounding me and mountains everywhere like I’m in a piece of artwork and looking at the man I love seeing his eyes realizing that he is also artwork. 

I want him to look at me back and say he loves me even though he wishes he could be right here next to me with me forever because we both know he has to leave because he lives more than 200 miles away. He wishes to escape that fear as well 

But no matter what we were always trapped.