Your favorite girl 

Poem by me. 

Driving through the pale moonlight,

The road is a ribbon underneath it, 

The car in which we reside in glows with each twinkle, 

And the other cars illuminate my face, 

Then drive by quickly, 

Leaving me in the dark. 
Your face shows with each stop light, 

Each yellow highway tunnel.

Cigarette drag, 

Dark circles under each eye,

Tired of your lover always wanting to travel, 

But she yearns only for the open road. 
Rons market to the left, 

A broke down, 

Sparsely lit gas station beside it.

You step out of the car, 

The air is so musky,

The wind is so heavy, 

That your cigarette smoke gets in my eyes. 
I blame that for the tears on my pillow that night. 

Not the unhappiness that rests inside of me, 

Because I know how sad you’d be if only you knew, 

That your girl, 

Your favorite girl,

Wanted to die.

We are nothing now

New song I wrote. It was based off of Paul and i’s relationship. All though we’ve never even met. 

Look out the window, 

There are dark golden lights

They cover the road that has distanced us

Deeply into the traffic that has smothered us 

And me in the passenger seat 
We are silent, can’t even look at me

Why don’t you just leave? 

We thought we could make it past this but you see 
We are nothing now 

Will our precious love never be the same again? 

Remember when we could talk about anything? 

Now all you do is raise your voice 

a tone I never heard before 

“Just wait a minute, let me go get high” 
And how quickly did you forget 

How I’d make you laugh? 

You threw away your wedding ring

But our honeymoon was everything

I walk outside, see the city so bright 

I lay down, I start to cry 
Oh We are nothing now 

Will our precious love never be the same again? 

Rons market at 11pm

Naomi has just been admitted to the mental hospital for the second time. I feel nothing. Nostalgia is clouding my senses. I am consumed by what I want and what I once had. 
I am on a two day trip with this 24 year old, John. 

  I see the cars as he smokes his cigarette. They illuminate my face then leave me in darkness and that repeats for a while. I get in his car and I hear silence. He gets in. We drive back to the hotel. It is nice but he touches me too much. I can’t count how many times I said stop today. I’m not affectionate and in fact I almost hate human contact. When he sleeps I am calm. When I’m alone I am calm. Maybe that’s all I want. I want to be in a hotel room and wake up and travel everywhere alone. 

 Last night I thought about leaving. I had clothes in my bag for three days, the hotel key, $20, and a cellphone to call anyone I needed. It was a serious thought. I thought about calling Paul also, but that wouldn’t change a thing so I’m not sure what I was thinking. I wanted to because I wanted to cry to him and tell him how much I wish things were different. I almost had what I wanted but I was being taken advantage of. Maybe I need to suck it up though, because I was taking advantage of John right back. 

  My favorite part was driving home from flagstaff. It was about 8 o clock so it was dark. Late night drives grab my heart and sink it in. I feel so much happiness when I look out the window and see the barren grasslands in the near shadows; I can’t even explain. We stopped at Rons market to get gummy worms and lollipops. It was so great to me I can’t explain that gratitude either. 

 He took me out to many restaurants, two hotels, but yet all that damned boy could talk about was my body. When we ate he had nothing to say because it was a public sitting. In the car no matter what we talked about it was sexualized and it turned into a horrific madness of mine. 

    Sometimes I wouldn’t even let him touch me. I hated it that much. I would tell him no a lot. I barley even wanted to hold his hand. In fact, on m favorite drive, I mostly just sat there and looked out. That’s why it was so nice. 

  I got out of the shower just now. I felt dirty for what he had done to me; his hands had been on me and inside of me. But I still feel dirty. I don’t feel clean. No matter how many showers I take I will always feel dirty. 

  

we aren’t free

my room. It has become a virtue of thoughts of sadness and a cell in which our young bodies lay and become nothing. Our minds have become consumed by documentaries on tv that are the only way to get out of this enclosed place. We use them to make our knowledge grow and imagine. But without the documentaries and each other, we are alone. We sit here and look at the ceiling which is now our only sight. I feel deprived. I feel useless. I feel like my body is rotting and deepening into the bed sheets, lower and lower,through the springboard, into the ground, and one day we’ll just whisk away. We have become broken. Is this what youth does to someone? It takes their mind and makes it unhappy. It takes their soul and puts into a small four walled room and makes them sit through the agony. No where to go. No where to run. No way to escape. 

Beauty queen

 I’ve been writing my own songs a lot lately. It helps me forget a lot. Finding hobbies within myself is imporant. It takes my mind off of things. Distants myself from people. 

I’ve always loved writing I use to write songs all of the time, but now it’s become something I use to cope with everything.

This song was inspired by Lolita, which emphasizes the part where Clare Quilty likes to film little girls. Please tell me what you think. 

Here is the original song, Beauty Queen:

Last night I wanted love

 I drank wine until I saw the sun 

it was cold and bitter; 

just like you
At night I seem to come alive and you do too 

the city lights sparkle for nobody 

just like me
I walk the streets;

12 AM

No where to run 

I run to you 
 You asked me where I’m going

 but there’s no destination 

I asked you to save me 

and you reply: 
Smile for the camera 

aren’t you happy now? 

Aren’t you happy now?
Smile for that camera baby, 

aren’t you happy now?

aren’t you happy now?
Every night I dress up for the men in slacks; 

Put my cherry lip gloss on 

sweet and pretty; 

just like me
Every morning the sun shines my face 

my make up is ruined 

skin Pale and rough  

just like him
I ask the men their favorite color 

most say “blue; cause honey, it’s just like you”
Smile for the camera, 

Aren’t you happy now?

Aren’t you happy now?
Smile for that camera baby, 

Aren’t you happy now?

 Aren’t you happy now?
And I know, I know that you, 

you told me not to hurt myself 

but honey don’t you know that I, I love the pain
And after he hit me he kissed me

Watched my head spin then he

Raised that lens; 

And I’m alive again

 I’m alive again baby
Smile for the camera, 

aren’t you happy now? 

Arent you happy now?

Smile for that camera baby, 

aren’t you happy now? 

Arent you happy now?

Numb

Whenever I look at you you seem mesmerized. 
The tips of my fingers are swollen. 
Now that someone actually is obsessed with me that isn’t 17 or under I feel very hurt because what people have said is almost quite true. 
I wish I knew why they were swollen. I wish I knew why it makes me sad that you chose to be alone if you couldn’t love me. 
When I’m around him I feel comforted almost like the comfort I didn’t get from you because you’re so far away and I never ever got to touch you or hear your happiness talk but when I’m with him his eyes light up and the air is filled with his want for me but my eyes are dry and his air is probably filled with nothing I wonder if he can even breath. 
The tips of my fingers are so numb. It’s the biggest coincidence that that’s how I feel when I lay on your chest I feel numb I don’t feel anything but safe and when you drove me home at 5 am I saw the sky it was dashes of blue and purple and you looked at me and said you wish you could see this view every morning I laughed and I looked out again it turned orange and I heard your heart beat it was so silent in the car I could hear everything and I looked at the sky again it was pink and I was amazed I felt so free I felt free for the first time in my fucking life. 

Remember me

I am beginning to feel withdrawn from every single human I’ve ever met. 

Including myself.

I never give myself time to think or even react anymore. I’ve been hanging out with guys at least 8 years older than me and at first I felt no shame but then that made me feel guilty and the guilt takes me over sometimes times like now when she is sleeping and I have no one to go to for comfort except this blog which I’ve built my thoughts upon and right now I only hear three things: a bird chirping, the fan, and her phone going off numerous times which I know is from the dating site we’ve chosen to go on “for our own good” because we completely fucking adore older men but sometimes I feel it’s only for his own good. 

I also hear a clock that won’t stop ticking why won’t it stop fucking ticking? It’s so sudden and loud kind of like my heartbeat sometimes I forget I have a heart pumping blood throughout my body because I feel so empty and I feel bad that Paul told me he wouldn’t talk to anyone else but I’m right here meeting guys who say they like me so much and I’m beautiful but remember when Paul used to say that to me? 

I feel this unknown feeling but I think the world only lets me feel so much and most of the time I feel nothing  

Never again

Right

Left

Right

Left

I focus on my steps. I don’t want to think about anything else because if I do I will think about you and I hate myself for that. I never had trouble thinking about every single movement that I do and planning it all out but now it is a must because I don’t want to think about you I really don’t.

Just a few months ago weeks ago even I envisioned being in your arms for the first time by the end of this year and now that I look back I know i should’ve never fucking believed you or myself or our love.

When two people are sad it just won’t work out our feelings clashed like the drums of your favorite band you told me I didn’t know a thing about you but that’s not true I knew that favorite fucking band of yours and I knew how badly you wished you were someone else and I wished I were free but nothing worked out our way.

You told me you’d have me forever.

Until now. But why now? I thought you could never hurt me I was the delicate flower you centered your life upon I was the first thing you thought of when rain hit the pavement as hard as your tears hit the floor when we knew it had to end between us.

I’ll cherish what we had forever no matter what you won’t just be someone I met over the internet you truly intended to be the only thing I needed.

You’ve achieved that now.

It’s easier than I thought though, to not want you as badly, but it’s so much harder to know you don’t want me back and our love has faded just like I imagined. The last few weeks I knew more certain than I knew I was to die that we had forgotten how to love each other.

And to me this was the most unpleasant feeling it hurt more than falling on that empty gravel of which you said you thought of our future each time you walked out of work late at night and saw the lights on the tall buildings and the silence that surrounded it. Looking out on to it reminded you of what you had made your life for.

Me.

But now that that’s gone, what are you living for? I wonder. I wonder why you always said that if you knew it wouldn’t work out you said nothing good ever lasts for you and we were good we were so good we were perfect. But it’s all gone now, never ever again.

obsolete

I think I love him so much because he’s not here just like everything else I love. 

Three days ago we almost broke up and it wasn’t even because of you like you said it was only because I just felt so apart from you even though I am miles away I felt like we had been distant although we talked all night I told you I wanted to leave you but you wouldn’t let me you swore we could work it out but why is it still not working? 

I yearn for your skin so badly it truly pains me it is like a drug you’re my drug my only drug and if I tried to leave you for good I think I’d be dead. I don’t even know what it’s like to sit next to you or listen to you breathe silently under your breath but I do know what it’s like to love someone so much that it makes me want to know. I know that I might’ve hurt you but you hurt me too- it hurts when you tell me I don’t ask about you enough I want to know a lot about you but sometimes you seem too sad but I swear you’re not the reason I swear

Slowly I see our love fading but you don’t- and that is the only way we differ. 

Far away

Sometimes I want to leave so badly my whole body shakes. 

I’m starting to feel withdrawn and isolated just like I did a few years ago when all I had to talk to was those I met online and shared interests with and at school no one knew how badly I wanted to cry or die. The year I felt withdrawn there was snow for the first time in years and the snow hurt me as badly as you did before when I fell in it it touched my face roughly just like you did and I shaped it into a round ball that was tightly packed and didn’t let anything get inside of it. Like me. 

I’m very passive. I let you love me even though you made me cry so many tears the year before this one so many that I would’ve rather drowned in the puddle they had made. 

Now you’re so far away kind of like I want to be away from this place kind of like I’ve made myself from everyone else 

Everything is distant.