Your favorite girl 

Poem by me. 

Driving through the pale moonlight,

The road is a ribbon underneath it, 

The car in which we reside in glows with each twinkle, 

And the other cars illuminate my face, 

Then drive by quickly, 

Leaving me in the dark. 
Your face shows with each stop light, 

Each yellow highway tunnel.

Cigarette drag, 

Dark circles under each eye,

Tired of your lover always wanting to travel, 

But she yearns only for the open road. 
Rons market to the left, 

A broke down, 

Sparsely lit gas station beside it.

You step out of the car, 

The air is so musky,

The wind is so heavy, 

That your cigarette smoke gets in my eyes. 
I blame that for the tears on my pillow that night. 

Not the unhappiness that rests inside of me, 

Because I know how sad you’d be if only you knew, 

That your girl, 

Your favorite girl,

Wanted to die.

We are nothing now

New song I wrote. It was based off of Paul and i’s relationship. All though we’ve never even met. 

Look out the window, 

There are dark golden lights

They cover the road that has distanced us

Deeply into the traffic that has smothered us 

And me in the passenger seat 
We are silent, can’t even look at me

Why don’t you just leave? 

We thought we could make it past this but you see 
We are nothing now 

Will our precious love never be the same again? 

Remember when we could talk about anything? 

Now all you do is raise your voice 

a tone I never heard before 

“Just wait a minute, let me go get high” 
And how quickly did you forget 

How I’d make you laugh? 

You threw away your wedding ring

But our honeymoon was everything

I walk outside, see the city so bright 

I lay down, I start to cry 
Oh We are nothing now 

Will our precious love never be the same again? 

Rons market at 11pm

Naomi has just been admitted to the mental hospital for the second time. I feel nothing. Nostalgia is clouding my senses. I am consumed by what I want and what I once had. 
I am on a two day trip with this 24 year old, John. 

  I see the cars as he smokes his cigarette. They illuminate my face then leave me in darkness and that repeats for a while. I get in his car and I hear silence. He gets in. We drive back to the hotel. It is nice but he touches me too much. I can’t count how many times I said stop today. I’m not affectionate and in fact I almost hate human contact. When he sleeps I am calm. When I’m alone I am calm. Maybe that’s all I want. I want to be in a hotel room and wake up and travel everywhere alone. 

 Last night I thought about leaving. I had clothes in my bag for three days, the hotel key, $20, and a cellphone to call anyone I needed. It was a serious thought. I thought about calling Paul also, but that wouldn’t change a thing so I’m not sure what I was thinking. I wanted to because I wanted to cry to him and tell him how much I wish things were different. I almost had what I wanted but I was being taken advantage of. Maybe I need to suck it up though, because I was taking advantage of John right back. 

  My favorite part was driving home from flagstaff. It was about 8 o clock so it was dark. Late night drives grab my heart and sink it in. I feel so much happiness when I look out the window and see the barren grasslands in the near shadows; I can’t even explain. We stopped at Rons market to get gummy worms and lollipops. It was so great to me I can’t explain that gratitude either. 

 He took me out to many restaurants, two hotels, but yet all that damned boy could talk about was my body. When we ate he had nothing to say because it was a public sitting. In the car no matter what we talked about it was sexualized and it turned into a horrific madness of mine. 

    Sometimes I wouldn’t even let him touch me. I hated it that much. I would tell him no a lot. I barley even wanted to hold his hand. In fact, on m favorite drive, I mostly just sat there and looked out. That’s why it was so nice. 

  I got out of the shower just now. I felt dirty for what he had done to me; his hands had been on me and inside of me. But I still feel dirty. I don’t feel clean. No matter how many showers I take I will always feel dirty.