We are nothing now

New song I wrote. It was based off of Paul and i’s relationship. All though we’ve never even met. 

Look out the window, 

There are dark golden lights

They cover the road that has distanced us

Deeply into the traffic that has smothered us 

And me in the passenger seat 
We are silent, can’t even look at me

Why don’t you just leave? 

We thought we could make it past this but you see 
We are nothing now 

Will our precious love never be the same again? 

Remember when we could talk about anything? 

Now all you do is raise your voice 

a tone I never heard before 

“Just wait a minute, let me go get high” 
And how quickly did you forget 

How I’d make you laugh? 

You threw away your wedding ring

But our honeymoon was everything

I walk outside, see the city so bright 

I lay down, I start to cry 
Oh We are nothing now 

Will our precious love never be the same again? 

Rons market at 11pm

Naomi has just been admitted to the mental hospital for the second time. I feel nothing. Nostalgia is clouding my senses. I am consumed by what I want and what I once had. 
I am on a two day trip with this 24 year old, John. 

  I see the cars as he smokes his cigarette. They illuminate my face then leave me in darkness and that repeats for a while. I get in his car and I hear silence. He gets in. We drive back to the hotel. It is nice but he touches me too much. I can’t count how many times I said stop today. I’m not affectionate and in fact I almost hate human contact. When he sleeps I am calm. When I’m alone I am calm. Maybe that’s all I want. I want to be in a hotel room and wake up and travel everywhere alone. 

 Last night I thought about leaving. I had clothes in my bag for three days, the hotel key, $20, and a cellphone to call anyone I needed. It was a serious thought. I thought about calling Paul also, but that wouldn’t change a thing so I’m not sure what I was thinking. I wanted to because I wanted to cry to him and tell him how much I wish things were different. I almost had what I wanted but I was being taken advantage of. Maybe I need to suck it up though, because I was taking advantage of John right back. 

  My favorite part was driving home from flagstaff. It was about 8 o clock so it was dark. Late night drives grab my heart and sink it in. I feel so much happiness when I look out the window and see the barren grasslands in the near shadows; I can’t even explain. We stopped at Rons market to get gummy worms and lollipops. It was so great to me I can’t explain that gratitude either. 

 He took me out to many restaurants, two hotels, but yet all that damned boy could talk about was my body. When we ate he had nothing to say because it was a public sitting. In the car no matter what we talked about it was sexualized and it turned into a horrific madness of mine. 

    Sometimes I wouldn’t even let him touch me. I hated it that much. I would tell him no a lot. I barley even wanted to hold his hand. In fact, on m favorite drive, I mostly just sat there and looked out. That’s why it was so nice. 

  I got out of the shower just now. I felt dirty for what he had done to me; his hands had been on me and inside of me. But I still feel dirty. I don’t feel clean. No matter how many showers I take I will always feel dirty. 

  

Beauty queen

 I’ve been writing my own songs a lot lately. It helps me forget a lot. Finding hobbies within myself is imporant. It takes my mind off of things. Distants myself from people. 

I’ve always loved writing I use to write songs all of the time, but now it’s become something I use to cope with everything.

This song was inspired by Lolita, which emphasizes the part where Clare Quilty likes to film little girls. Please tell me what you think. 

Here is the original song, Beauty Queen:

Last night I wanted love

 I drank wine until I saw the sun 

it was cold and bitter; 

just like you
At night I seem to come alive and you do too 

the city lights sparkle for nobody 

just like me
I walk the streets;

12 AM

No where to run 

I run to you 
 You asked me where I’m going

 but there’s no destination 

I asked you to save me 

and you reply: 
Smile for the camera 

aren’t you happy now? 

Aren’t you happy now?
Smile for that camera baby, 

aren’t you happy now?

aren’t you happy now?
Every night I dress up for the men in slacks; 

Put my cherry lip gloss on 

sweet and pretty; 

just like me
Every morning the sun shines my face 

my make up is ruined 

skin Pale and rough  

just like him
I ask the men their favorite color 

most say “blue; cause honey, it’s just like you”
Smile for the camera, 

Aren’t you happy now?

Aren’t you happy now?
Smile for that camera baby, 

Aren’t you happy now?

 Aren’t you happy now?
And I know, I know that you, 

you told me not to hurt myself 

but honey don’t you know that I, I love the pain
And after he hit me he kissed me

Watched my head spin then he

Raised that lens; 

And I’m alive again

 I’m alive again baby
Smile for the camera, 

aren’t you happy now? 

Arent you happy now?

Smile for that camera baby, 

aren’t you happy now? 

Arent you happy now?

Numb

Whenever I look at you you seem mesmerized. 
The tips of my fingers are swollen. 
Now that someone actually is obsessed with me that isn’t 17 or under I feel very hurt because what people have said is almost quite true. 
I wish I knew why they were swollen. I wish I knew why it makes me sad that you chose to be alone if you couldn’t love me. 
When I’m around him I feel comforted almost like the comfort I didn’t get from you because you’re so far away and I never ever got to touch you or hear your happiness talk but when I’m with him his eyes light up and the air is filled with his want for me but my eyes are dry and his air is probably filled with nothing I wonder if he can even breath. 
The tips of my fingers are so numb. It’s the biggest coincidence that that’s how I feel when I lay on your chest I feel numb I don’t feel anything but safe and when you drove me home at 5 am I saw the sky it was dashes of blue and purple and you looked at me and said you wish you could see this view every morning I laughed and I looked out again it turned orange and I heard your heart beat it was so silent in the car I could hear everything and I looked at the sky again it was pink and I was amazed I felt so free I felt free for the first time in my fucking life. 

Never again

Right

Left

Right

Left

I focus on my steps. I don’t want to think about anything else because if I do I will think about you and I hate myself for that. I never had trouble thinking about every single movement that I do and planning it all out but now it is a must because I don’t want to think about you I really don’t.

Just a few months ago weeks ago even I envisioned being in your arms for the first time by the end of this year and now that I look back I know i should’ve never fucking believed you or myself or our love.

When two people are sad it just won’t work out our feelings clashed like the drums of your favorite band you told me I didn’t know a thing about you but that’s not true I knew that favorite fucking band of yours and I knew how badly you wished you were someone else and I wished I were free but nothing worked out our way.

You told me you’d have me forever.

Until now. But why now? I thought you could never hurt me I was the delicate flower you centered your life upon I was the first thing you thought of when rain hit the pavement as hard as your tears hit the floor when we knew it had to end between us.

I’ll cherish what we had forever no matter what you won’t just be someone I met over the internet you truly intended to be the only thing I needed.

You’ve achieved that now.

It’s easier than I thought though, to not want you as badly, but it’s so much harder to know you don’t want me back and our love has faded just like I imagined. The last few weeks I knew more certain than I knew I was to die that we had forgotten how to love each other.

And to me this was the most unpleasant feeling it hurt more than falling on that empty gravel of which you said you thought of our future each time you walked out of work late at night and saw the lights on the tall buildings and the silence that surrounded it. Looking out on to it reminded you of what you had made your life for.

Me.

But now that that’s gone, what are you living for? I wonder. I wonder why you always said that if you knew it wouldn’t work out you said nothing good ever lasts for you and we were good we were so good we were perfect. But it’s all gone now, never ever again.

Wine

Tonight I downed three glasses of wine. The second glass went down my throat and left a burning sensation. 

It was kind of how I feel when I cry over you. 

I long for your touch so much it makes my eyes burn from the crying and my throat aches from the sobs and when you tell me one day we’ll be together I remind myself i can only believe in so much. 

I was never good at believing things when I was 5 stopped believing the tooth fairy and when I was 8 my mother never denied me when I said Santa wasn’t real and now I’m 15 and it’s kind of how I feel with you and I feel bad but If this is going to end with me being alone and you feeling bad for me I can only imagine it also ending with my head pounding and my heart erasing. 

I want to believe you. I just keep thinking maybe I’m not in love with you or anyone and maybe I never will be 

The third glass of wine felt just like you. Cold and it made me drowsy but it was so fucking good and I’ll always want more. 

Forever

Today someone asked me why I hate where I live so much. 

To be honest, I don’t even know the answer. It just started and hasn’t stopped and if I tried to explain no one would understand why I feel stuck at an age where I can’t even vote or haven’t even gone through my senior year of highschool and no one will know the feeling that consumes me every day and night because when I lay in bed all I think is how much I hate my mind. I feel as if no matter where I am at ill get a trapped feeling and I’ll just keep missing the place I was in before and this feeling isn’t my favorite it comes over me like the clouds on the coldest day. And today the clouds are covering so much of the sky that I can’t see the sun and I can’t see clearly and all I can think of is where I should run to. 

I want to be driving in a car on the road with trees surrounding me and mountains everywhere like I’m in a piece of artwork and looking at the man I love seeing his eyes realizing that he is also artwork. 

I want him to look at me back and say he loves me even though he wishes he could be right here next to me with me forever because we both know he has to leave because he lives more than 200 miles away. He wishes to escape that fear as well 

But no matter what we were always trapped. 

Veterans Day

I am mad. I joined a dating site then deleted it and now I miss it. 

I’m ashamed, I’m guilty, I’m lonely. 

My two favorite people on this planet are not answering and now I feel sad.

Paul is in my life again. He broke up with his girlfriend weeks ago and I don’t know if I’m being dumb but I feel like he really has proven himself to me. I feel like this was meant to be, almost. 

But tonight he ate some edible marijuana, he got really scared, he didn’t seem fine before he stopped texting me, he seemed so uncomfortable and anxious; and now I’m worried. I want him to be okay. 

As I wrote that part I began to think what if he was dead. I know that’s a horrible thing to think- but really. 

What if something happened, and I couldn’t do anything about it because I’m 6 fucking hours away. I wouldn’t ever even know. 

I would never get to meet him. That would be the death of me. It’s almost as bad as Naomi dying, that’s how much I love him. 

I really am scaring myself, I need to sleep, or to relax, or not think. If only for a moment. 

Sometimes I doubt meeting him. I think would he really leave for me? Would we really have enough money or time out of our stupid little lives just to see eachother for two days? 

I wasn’t sure. 

Sometimes I doubt his existence. I know he’s there, but sometimes it scares me. 

If I could define the man I’d love, it would almost fit Paul perfectly, which is crazy to me because I met him online. And this exact thought leads me to believe he isn’t actually there. How could someone love me almost exactly how I wanted to be loved? How could someone as great as him, be so physically, passionately, consumingly in love with me? 

In real love. In love. I’m so in love, and I hate it, but I want it more every time. 

I hate doubting his feelings for me, but I love him. I can’t believe it. 

SOMETIMES

I play this game where I see how many guys I can look at and they’ll look back at me in awe- a sensual look. It sounds horrible, I know. I just feel like something special that every guy wants and is drooling over. I sound so dumb. I know it’s not true. I just don’t know what I’m doing with my life half the time. At all. 
But somewhere along the lines of my stupid little life something made me think this was true. 

I hate it. But I also love it. And I hate being told what to do, but I hate not knowing what to do. It’s that weird. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m driving on a never ending road with never ending turns. And I don’t know if I should turn left or right, so I get so scared that I crash. It’s that weird. 

So many people tell me I should model and so many say I shouldn’t. So many tell me not to care for him and so many tell me to get him back. So many people tell me to stop being this way and some people accept it. Ive never been so confused. 

And most of the time I don’t even know if I should keep going down this road and feeling worse. 

It’s that weird. 

May 21, 2015.

TODAY IS THE LAST DAY of my life & the first Day of summer. It was the last day of being a freshman, and have a reason to actually wake up every day. I hope this summer I achieve something. I miss last summer. 

Yes, I do realize how horrible the statement was. I was so sad, but so content with it. I had people, and starting this summer I have no one. I guess I just missed that part.

I hope this summer I find new favorite movie, direct films and fall in love. Those are my life goals in one sentence. I was okay with being alone. And having no one… Until I realized how hard it is to not to be wanted. I just miss late-night conversations and basically what I’m saying is I’m pretty fucking desperate. Why must finding love online seems so natural to me ? It is so weird, but It feels so easy. I’ve done it for as long as I can remember. And I want to fall back in love over and over and over again.

Maybe that’s all I really want. And oh God do I miss my old teacher (who I’ll call Mr. Mcckey for many reasons.) how can I be so infatuated with a 23 year old teacher? I don’t know. But I wish I could see him again. Its exceptionally odd. 

And Did I mention that my life is only getting worse? Have I ever been in this much of a social decline? I don’t know. 

I don’t even know what I ever truly felt like.